Children and attachment

When working out what is best for children during and after the separation of their parents, it can be helpful to understand what is called 'attachment theory'. This might sound somewhat farfetched to you, but it describes and explains a factor that is found to be of central importance in determining children's well-being.

Attachments that your children develop with adults in their lives assist them to develop their full potential. Attachment refers to the relationship a child develops with a primary caregiver from the moment the child is born. If the parent or carer relates and responds to the child in caring, sensitive ways, the child develops what is called a 'secure base'. This internal base ensures that children feel safe, and consequently allows them to interact with other people and explore their environment in a confident and joyful manner. The attachment relationship becomes a central part of the base upon which the child will construct his/her sense of self. This means that attachment experiences are of great significance in determining a child's development and in ensuring his/her well-being.

An attachment relationship can start to develop during the first hours and days of a child's life, and continues to develop during the whole of childhood. However, the first months and years are very significant in the development of secure attachments.

It has been found that children whose parent separate benefit immensely from maintaining contact with a parent or caregiver they have an attachment relationship with. If the child loses contact with such a person, this can make the child feel insecure and it can have a direct impact upon a child's sense of self and feeling of well-being. This feeling of insecurity can become part of the child's base feeling and determine his/her understanding of the world for a long time to come.

However it is important to keep in mind that this does not mean that if a child has had a less secure attachment, that the child's development will be harmed forever. As children's relationships with their parents change, so does their attachment. A positive attachment relationship at any stage during childhood is beneficial. Also, an attachment relationship with someone other than a parent can be of great benefit to a child. Optimally such a relationship will be in addition to the secure relationship the child has with parents or primary caregivers. However if a child lacks such a relationship, it is of great value for the child to have a stable, secure, and nurturing relationship with someone else.

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