Telling your children
WHEN, WHAT and WHY
It can be a very difficult to decide when to tell your children that you and their other parent are separating. You might feel very uncertain about when to tell them as well as what to say. You might want to protect them by not telling them until one parent is ready to move out, and/or by not telling them too much. When you tell your children, and what you tell them have a major impact upon how they feel about their parents' separation.
In general children benefit from being told well in advance about the changes that are about to happen to their family, as well as why their parents are separating. Children themselves have told us that it is important that they be told about the separation and what is going to happen well before one of their parents move out, so that they are prepared.
When talking to children it is important to be explicit about what is happening, and to explain to some extent why you and the other parent are separating. This does not mean you should include details about your disagreements, but be sure to emphasise that you are separating because of how the adults feel about each other. Emphasise that the separation has nothing to do with the children. It is also important that you as the parents tell your children that both their parents love them, that both their parents will care for them (if this is safe), that they are still part of a family, and that their new family structures will be discussed with them.
Children benefit from having lots of opportunities to ask questions and talk about their worries, fears, and concerns. Apart from being directly linked to their emotional well-being, having the opportunity to extensively and freely talk about feelings ensures that you have a good idea about what your children are thinking and can offer further explanations if they have made up their own stories about the separation.
It is of immense benefit to your children if you can avoid letting them know about your conflicts with their other parent. Research shows that it makes a big difference to children if they experience their parents co-operating about issues that affect them. It also helps if both parents tell the same story about the separation.
Here are some tips for you when talking to your children about the separation
- Prepare yourself for the talk. Think about what you want to say and how.
- Find a time when you and your children have the time to talk (maybe a weekend morning), leave room for your children to ask questions as sometimes it takes a while for them to get it out.
- If possible you and the other parent should be there to tell your children. Otherwise try to make sure that you and the other parent agree on what is being said.
- Explain things at a level that your children understand, using simple language. This can be difficult especially when you're nervous yourself.
- You can show your emotions, but it won't help your children if you show anger or other negative feelings against the other parent.
- Try to stay calm and positive.
- Explain the other parent's behaviour instead of judging him or her.
- Give your children lots of opportunity to talk and ask questions.
- Reassure your children that they are loved and that the separation is not their fault.
Examples of reasons for the separation
A lot of children want to know WHY and explaining once might not be enough. Common reasons for a separation are:
- "We grew apart from each other and are happier when we live in different homes"
- "Though we are not living together anymore, we will both always love you"
- "We had a very good time early in our marriage but we have changed and it is better if we don't live together anymore"
Asking WHY doesn't always mean children want a direct answer. Their underlying fears about not being loved and cared for, or concerns about what will happen in the future can be much more important to respond to.
