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Further information and support Click here to find out more about 'Where to find support and/or information' |
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Children in this age group have started to become more independent and are developing an individual sense of self. They have a more developed system of memory and consequently can spend more time away from either of their primary caregivers. However, regular, frequent contact with both parents is still a major concern for children in this age group. Children may experience shock and depression when they learn about the separation and will also suffer from separation anxiety when they are away from a parent they are attached to. Children in this age group benefit from not being away from either of their parents for more than three or four days.
Children at this age are becoming aware of changes in their lives, and are potentially more resistant to changes. This might mean that the actual move from one parent to the other might be more difficult. To assist your children to cope with this event, it is beneficial to maintain the same routines every time, as well as avoiding all conflict or arguments between the two parents at transition time. Any tension at the time of exchange from one parent to the other will make this a much more difficult event for your children than it has to be. Try to discuss your conflicts when the children are not around, or when you need to discuss things that may give rise to conflict seek help from an intermediary, such as a mediator or counselor.
Children may show their distress by changing their behavior, sleeping patterns or toilet habits. Their language skills and peer relationships may also deteriorate. Routines will generally provide these children with a greater sense of security. It will teach them that they are safe, and allow them to develop their own internal base of security.
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This age group is egocentric and may blame themselves for the parent leaving. They also tend to fantasize about what they wish to happen or how they think things should be. This usually includes wanting their parents to get back together, a wish that sometimes lasts well into adult life.
Children are very sensitive about anyone who criticized one of their parents as they take it as a criticism of themselves. As a parent it is always important to remember to be aware of the language you use when speaking about the child's other parent.
At this age children are becoming aware of special occasions and holidays. As such it is important to take these occasions into mind when developing your new family arrangements. Children can have a calendar where they can circle the day they will see their other parent, to assist them to understand when they will see the other parent again. Also encourage the child to stay in touch with their absent parent in other ways, for example by telephone or by drawing pictures and posting them.
Witnessing, or being on the receiving end, of parental violence is a form of child abuse, a reportable offence. If this is happening it is important to get help for you and your child.
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Further Reading |
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Further information and support Click here to find out more about 'Where to find support and/or information' |
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For children in this age group it depends upon their personality whether they benefit from having longer periods with each parent or shorter, more frequent periods. Children in this age group can frequently miss their absent parent deeply. When deciding upon family arrangements, it is important to take such considerations into account. Additionally, your children might become increasingly involved in weekly activities outside the home at this age. This makes co-operation between you and your children's other parent even more important.
Five to eight year olds often wish to 'fix' their parents' relationship and get them back together. They will say and do things that they think will make this happen. They can also be ambivalent - on the one hand wanting to stay with the parent with whom they spend the majority of their time, and on the other hand they may also be reluctant to leave the other parent at the end of a visit. Routine transitions will be of great assistance to your children.
Behavioral problems may occur which may be noticed by teachers, friends etc. For some children it might seem that they have reverted to an earlier developmental stage, such as by being very clingy, wetting their bed or displaying irregular sleeping habits. This is normal for children when they are distressed and can be a way of addressing their fears. For parents it is important not to get frustrated or punitive during this time and to accept that this stage will pass if accepted and handled well.
High levels of parental conflict and family violence can have a severe impact on all children. Younger children are particularly vulnerable. Children of this age group are egocentric and may blame themselves and think they have caused the separation or the conflict or violence. Remember, even if children are in another room they often overhear fighting between parents, which can make them extremely anxious and upset.
Witnessing or being on the receiving end of parental violence is considered child abuse, a reportable offence. If this is happening it is important to get help for you and your child.
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Further Reading |
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Further information and support Click here to find out more about 'Where to find support and/or information' |
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At this age children are often becoming increasingly focused on the world outside their family. Friends might be becoming more important to them, and they are possibly members of various clubs, sporting activities etc. At this stage it is necessary to take your child's after hours activities into consideration when developing family arrangements. It is generally very beneficial for children in this age group to be listened to seriously when developing their family arrangements. However, though they are listened to, it must still be clear that it is the parents that make the final decisions.
A lot of children in this age group have the ability to speak out and express their views and feelings. However this does not mean that all children in this age range find it easy to talk about their feelings. Some children find it difficult to share their feelings with a parent and keep things to themselves, maybe for fear of being disloyal to a parent or upsetting a parent. If your child seems very sad, or is behaving differently and is not initiating contact with other family members or friends, your child might need your help. If the child won't talk to you, suggest that he/she speak to the school counselor, or make an appointment for the child to see another professional, such as a doctor, social worker, counselor or child psychiatrist. Other members of the child's extended family may also be able to assist, such as a trusted grandparent, uncle or aunt.
Behavioral problems may occur which may be noticed by teachers, friends etc. For some children it might seem that they are regressing to an earlier developmental stage, such as by being very clingy, wetting the bed or displaying irregular sleeping habits. This is normal for distressed children and can be a way of addressing their fears. For parents it is important not to get frustrated during this time of regression and to accept that this stage will pass if handled well.
Loyalty conflicts are very common. Children are likely to feel torn between their parents, which makes the healing process even harder. As a parent it is important to remember not to use blaming or negative language about the other parent in front of the child and to accept that it is important for the child to have a positive relationship with their other parent.
Witnessing or over-hearing high levels of parental conflict or violence can have a severe impact on children of this age group. Children might think that the conflict is about them or that their parents' fighting is directed towards them. Remember, witnessing parental violence is extremely harmful to children and is considered to be a form of child abuse. If this is happening it is important that you seek further support for you and your child(ren).
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Further Reading |
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Further information and support Click here to find out more about 'Where to find support and/or information' |
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Even if teenagers are more able to understand what is happening when their parents are separating, it does not mean it is easy for them to adjust. They can be too embarrassed to tell their friends at school. Twelve to 18 year olds need their own time and space to deal with their reactions to their parents' separation and may lean more on their peer group, which may seem to be more important than their family. However they do need their parents to be there when they need them.
It is useful to ask these teenagers how they would like their new family arrangements to work. However, some may prefer the parents to make the final decisions about new family arrangements as there may be loyalty conflicts.
In general it might be beneficial for young people in this age group for their family structures to be characterized by a certain level of flexibility. Where possible, some teenagers could be given the opportunity to see both parents when they like, even though officially they are meant to be with one particular parent at the time. As teenagers are usually developing a life outside the family their peer group can provide a very important support network for them. It is a good idea to take their after hours activities into consideration when it comes to organising contact and other parenting arrangements.
Teenagers can sometimes blame one or both parents for the separation as they know that it is a choice one (or both) has voluntarily made (unless there has been family violence). Also if a parent starts dating it can be threatening or confusing to an adolescent, who may be starting to date as well.
Sometimes when adolescents are pressured by a parent they can react with anger and rejection. Also loyalty conflicts are very common in this age group. Teenagers are likely to feel torn between their parents, which makes the healing process more difficult. As a parent it is important to remember not to use blaming or negative language about the other parent in front of the child and to accept that it's important for the child to have an ongoing relationship with the other parent.
As with all the other age groups high levels of parental conflict or family violence can have a severe negative impact on adolescents. When parents argue they might think that the conflict is about them or that their parents' fighting is directed towards them. They may also be hurt themselves if trying to intervene to protect a parent where there is violence. Make sure that you get help for yourself and your children if this is happening.
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Further Reading |
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Further information and support Click here to find out more about 'Where to find support and/or information' |
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