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| Click on the feelings you want to know more about: |
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| Anger | Blaming | Depression |
| Fear/Anxiety | Grief and Loss | Guilt and Worry |
| Hope | Jealousy | Loneliness |
| Shame | Stress | |
Feeling angry is normal. You might be angry with your child's other parent, or with yourself. Maybe you are angry with life, and the fact that you are experiencing separation. Or maybe you feel angry with your children.
The anger you feel needs to be released. Depending on the way in which anger is expressed it can be healthy or harmful to self or others. When children are involved it is important to find a way to release your anger in a NON-HARMFUL way.
Here are some self-help options when experiencing anger:
When anger is slowly rising:
When the anger is actually present:
If your anger last for a very long time, is harming others or yourself and/or gets in the way of the normal things in your life you need to do something about it. You might need help from a professional such as a counsellor or maybe you want to try an anger-management course. Take responsibility for your own behaviour. Click here to find out about where you can find support and more information.
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Remember: Anger needs to be released in a non-harmful way. |
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Blaming can be seen as the rejection or denial of personal responsibility for words or action affecting self or another. During separation and divorce is often happens that former partners blame each other for what has happened. This might be helpful in the beginning as it can help to get over the first shock or to get on with life.
Accepting responsibility for one's own actions can be difficult, especially for those people where taking responsibility was not encouraged in former life situations. However it might be important to try to understand one's own need to blame. Taking responsibility for the steps you take in life can be rewarding as it might give you strength and power.
Here are some self-help options:
Some people have a history of blaming. Chronic blaming may result from a childhood experience of feeling blamed, unappreciated and criticised. In this case it can help to talk to someone about your past as it can stop you from enjoying life. Click here to find out where you can find support.
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Remember: Taking responsibility for one's own actions can give you a feeling of strength. |
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The word 'depression' is used for different experiences. It's important to differentiate between the sadness that occurs in normal life situations and the clinical depression that is related to an intense feeling of sadness that lasts for a long period of time. Clinical depression can be linked to other issues such as eating and sleeping problems, loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyed, difficulties in concentrating, remembering, or deciding. Physical symptoms such as headaches or digestive disorders can also occur. Suicide or self-harming behaviours are possibilities. Forms of clinical depression range from minor, acute to chronic bipolar disorder.
Depression that is a result of loss is a significant depressive state but is not usually seen as a clinical depression. However this doesn't mean that there's nothing people can do about it.
If you are concerned about you, your children or someone else it is important to talk to someone. This might be a counsellor or other professional in the mental health field. Click here to find out where you can get support and more information. Maybe you feel safer to talk to a friend at first. Further information can also be accessed on the internet for example. Click here for links.
Here are some other self-help options if you are feeling depressed:
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Remember: Depression is not a sign of personal weakness. |
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Separation and divorce are linked to many other changes in life. The transition to a new situation can raise feelings of fear and anxiety. You might be afraid of how to cope with the future, how to look after your children or how to cope with financial difficulties. Fear and anxiety can arise when a person senses that there is no control over one's own life.
When the threat is real, feeling fear is normal and protective. When there is an imaginative threat fear can be a destructive experience.
Self-help options:
Changing negative into alternative thinking can help your thoughts to become more positive. Here are some examples:
| Negative Thinking | Alternative Thinking |
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Remember: Try to find the positives in life. |
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When people separate or divorce they often experience feelings of loss and grief. This is normal as separation is often linked to a range of losses. Losses can include the loss of a partner, loss of hope, loss of financial security, loss of contact to one's children, loss of one's home, loss of friends and family.
Expressing these feelings is normal and healthy. For some people there might be no opportunity to express these feelings as they are busy looking after their children or dealing with sorting things out with the former partner. However, dealing with one's own feelings, can be important in order to regain your strengths.
Feelings of grief and loss can lead to regression which can mean that adults might start acting like children and need nurturing. This is normal. However it's important not to make your children feel they have to look after you. Your children are still your children and they need you to look after them.
Self-help options:
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Remember: Grief and mourning assist healing. |
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Guilt is about what happened in the past. Worry is about what will happen in the future.
Guilt and worry can be constructive emotions that arise from conscience and concern. Some forms of these feelings are therefore healthy for being an integrated person. When guilt and worry become excessive they can be very strong emotions that stop people from being happy and content. In this case these feelings are often so overwhelming that people stop doing the things they believed in. Feeling powerless is often closely related.
Self-help options:
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Remember: Guilt and worry can be destructive emotions. |
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Changes often involve hope. People hope that things will get better now that the circumstances have changed. This hope can be strong or almost invisible. But one thing is definite: there will be a change and people can influence what is happening in their future.
Being optimistic or pessimistic often determines our level of hope. A balance of those two views of life is healthy to keep a sense of reality and to believe in what we and others can achieve. Hope is often related to what we learn when we are young. Childhood experiences of loving trusting human interaction enables us to believe in ourselves and to be hopeful towards what will happen in the future. Therefore the parents' behaviour towards their children is very important especially in times of crisis. This habit of seeing the future in a negative or positive way can be changed but people really have to work on it.
Self-help options:
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Remember: Discovery of one's inherent worth brings hope. |
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When people separate or divorce, feelings of jealousy can play a part in their lives even if the relationship is dissolved. That is normal. Often there is something that connects the people that have been together in the past. This might be the children. Jealousy can be present where one partner left against the other person's will.
Feeling jealous often means feeling a mixture of emotions. In this situation people often experience the threat of losing a possession which results in feelings of discomfort and tension.
There are different levels of jealousy ranging from non-jealousy to excessive jealousy. Most people experience jealousy at some time. Normal jealousy can feel like an irritating tension. A high rate of jealousy is often linked to a high rate of insecurity. A high rate of jealousy can involve a range of negative behaviours that are possessive and don't leave much space for the other person. In this case the jealous person forgets about the needs of the other and thinks about him or herself. Paranoia and actions to control can be part of this behaviour pattern.
Jealousy can also when children want to spend more time with one parent that the other. This may be because children see one parent as the cause of the separation or that they feel that one parent has taken away the other one. This can be a normal reaction and an initial way for children to deal with the change. Therefore, as parents, it's important not to turn your fear and frustration towards the children. Give your children time and show empathy with their feelings and fears. Research has shown that children who have experienced parental jealousy towards each other or towards their children show an increase in jealous behaviour patterns themselves.
Self-help options for people who are jealous:
Options for people who experience jealousy by another person:
When people have been together and their relationship is dissolved people often feel very lonely. They miss the company of the person they have spent a big part of their life with. People can feel lonely when they are afraid of being by themselves and don't know how to spend their time. People might have also lost friends or family members as part of the separation and feel lonely because of that.
Parents often feel lonely when they don't share a house with their children as a result of the separation, or when their kids have a sleep over at their others parents' house.
Loneliness can be a very painful feeling. It's often linked to the belief that one is not able to relate to others which makes it even harder for the person to interact with other people. Often people who feel lonely also feel bored, sad, depressed, nervous and isolated. People can be afraid of being rejected by other people and don't value their social skills much.
One thing is true: Things will always change.
Self-help options:
Some people who experience a separation might feel ashamed that it happened to them. People might be afraid of what others think and feel they have destroyed their own and the belief systems of others. Even if there are many separations happening all over the world it is still not fully accepted.
Shame is a common feeling - everyone has experienced shame to one degree or another. It can be healthy and useful as we are aware of our own limits. Other forms of shame can be painful and not healthy as it stops us from growing.
Children are very sensitive and can feel ashamed of their parents' separation. They might feel too ashamed at school to talk about the separation. Children who experience a parental separation often feel ashamed which leads to a poor self-esteem and a loss of the belief that 'I am OK'. Nurture your children and give them lots of positive feedback.
Self-help options
Stress is a tension in the body and mind and is often related to changes in circumstances, such as separation. A separation is often linked to many changes - some might be positive, some might be undesirable and difficult. Stress can be linked to both a positive and negative experience of change. It can be an encouraging trigger to take the challenge, or a hindering barrier to overcome future difficulties.
Thoughts about the future often cause stress after separation as times are tough for all family members.
Self-help options:
