Other things that might change
Lots of things can change after separation
Where you live
You might have to move house after your parents' separation. Moving house is not easy, especially if you felt 'at home' where you lived before. Considering all the changes that happen when parents separate you can feel that your life has been turned completely upside down. It can be very hard to get used to new places and different people around you. Don't expect to adjust straight away. There is always a way to keep in touch with friends and other family members and there are things that can help you when you have to go to a different school.
Parenting styles
Maybe your parents are acting differently now that they are not together anymore. There are lots of reasons for this. They may be happier now the fighting has stopped. They may have lost confidence as a parent or worry that you see them differently now. They might feel either guilty or sad about all of the life changes.
Maybe you are not allowed to do as many things as you were before.
- Your parent could be afraid to lose you as well, so they want you to be with them as much as possible. Try not to take on your other parent's role. Even if you feel very mature, they are adults and need to look after their children - not the other way round.
- Tell your parents how you are feeling and what you think.
Maybe your parent starts acting like a friend and stops being a parent
- It's not your role to listen to your parent talk about the other parent or to hang out with your parent's new friends. They might include you in these things to help you feel easier with the changes. Let them know if you're not OK with this.
Different house rules
It can be confusing to live in two homes now that your parents have separated. There will be different rules at each house which can be a pain. You might feel strange for a day or so when you move from one house to the next. Let your parents know that you have a lot on your mind and that it's not always easy to adapt.
You may have to do more housework and take more care of younger brothers and sisters than before. This can be very annoying but necessary to help your parent manage things. If it's getting too much and upsetting other things in your life, such as school work and seeing your friends, talk to your parents about it. You need to keep up with your friends and other things that are important in your life.
Parents' new partners
Things change when a new person comes into one of your parents' lives and that can affect you. You may feel left out. It's hard enough to cope with your parents separation - now you have to cope with your Mum or Dad dating someone else. You might feel that your parent is being disloyal or that you will never ever like their new partner. Try to be open and honest about your feelings. It's hard seeing your parent going out with another person, but they do have a right to be happy. Most children want their parents to get back together but it is their decision.
One parent may also be upset when the other parent meets someone else and when this happens you may feel disloyal if you are nice to the new person. Give yourself time to accept the situation and the new person. Talk about your feelings to someone you can trust. Things will settle down eventually.
Step-parents and their children
Maybe one of your parents will decide to get married again or to live with someone. This may mean having another family in addition to the family you already have. Remember, if your Mum or Dad gets married again, this doesn't mean that you will lose your family.
Remarriage might bring step-brothers or step-sisters and you may really get to like them after a while. It may not be easy so it's important that you give yourself time to adapt. Let your parents know if you feel they expect too much from you. It may take time for everyone to get used to the new situation.
Your role in the family
After your parents' separation you may feel that you have to take more responsibility for things. There are fewer hands to do the work when parents separate which might mean that you have to look after your schoolwork, clothes and meals yourself. Maybe you have to do more to help your parent and look after brothers and sisters as well. Talk to your parent if you feel that it's all getting too much for you. It's important that you have some spare time to keep up with your own life, hanging out with friends, playing sport etc.
Taking on your Mum or Dad's role
Sometimes, after parents separation, children take on the role of the parent who has left. Maybe you want to make it easier for the parent who's alone now and try to fill the shoes of your absent parent. Sometimes people are not aware that this is happening. But it's important to recognize that children are not adults and that they have their own life to live. Adults need to remember this too.
Your feelings about your family
After separation your view of family life will change. If your family felt like a safe happy place, it might feel scary and confusing to lose it. But if your parents were fighting a lot you might feel relieved that your parents don't live together anymore and everyone may get along better than before. Then there might be stepparents and new brothers and sisters and your 'family' will be made up of people who you don't know very well. For some kids this is great, but for others it's a nightmare. Find a place where you feel secure and happy, this could be with your best friend, your aunt, cousin or grandparent, your sports team, or somewhere inside yourself. You might think that because your parents split up you won't be able to have stable loving relationships in the future. This is not necessarily the case. You are your own person and you will do things differently. Click here to find out more about feelings.
Money and other things
A separation for most families means that parents and their kids may have less money than before. This might mean moving to a smaller place, going on fewer holidays, getting less expensive presents and not being able to afford expensive clothes or extra stuff at school. All this can be a very big change especially when you are not used to it. What makes it even more difficult is when other people don't understand and give you a hard time about it.
Remember that good friends will share their stuff with you and will always be your friend no matter what you wear or how much money you have.
Parents have different incomes now that they are separated which can mean one has more money than the other. Remember, money doesn't equal love.
Family changes
Your family won't fit together like it used to. Your Mum and Dad might even stop speaking to each other and you may find yourself communicating in a new way. If there is a Restraining Order you might be restricted in when and how you see the other parent. Your relationship with each parent can change. You might find yourself getting closer or further away. This can happen with brothers and sisters too. If you join households with parent's new partners it might be that you're no longer the eldest/youngest/only kid in the family and you have to get used to the new order of things. Some relatives and friends can provide stability but even they have opinions about the separation. For a while you might want the old days back. Let a trusted family member or school counsellor know if you're struggling. Click here for more contacts.
